How to Heal From Emotional Abuse

Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse may not leave visible signs of harm like bruises and broken bones. Still, the impacts often leave survivors with deep and profound psychological wounds. These internal wounds can leave victims feeling powerless and alone. 

The underlying goal of emotional abuse is to control, isolate and silence the victim. This complex form of abuse can be hard to recognize because its nature can be either insidious or overtly manipulative. 

Here, we’ll discuss everything you need to know about emotional abuse in a relationship, the signs to look for and the steps to recovering from mental abuse.

What Is Emotional Abuse? 

Emotional abuse involves an array of passive-aggressive, manipulative, controlling and mentally abusive behaviors. This form of abuse can occur in any kind of relationship — including friends, family members, romantic partners and even coworkers. 

Whether emotional abuse is carried out in a subtle and covert or overt manner, victims often don’t realize that they are enduring abuse. It’s not uncommon for them to feel that the mistreatment is unintentional. The malicious message behind psychological torment attempts to convince the victim that their emotions and experiences are invalid, leading them to believe they are either overly sensitive or misinterpreting the behaviors. 

These red flags define emotional abuse. Perpetrators may use one or more of these tactics to control and isolate their victims:

1. Verbal Abuse

Words are the weapons of emotional abusers. However, it’s not always easy to identify verbal abuse because behaviors like name-calling and shouting are often downplayed and excused. Abusers may use harsh critique and unfair judgment to chip away at the victim’s self-worth. Demeaning and degrading language may be used to embarrass and humiliate victims in public or private. The abuser may even spread rumors that damage the victim’s reputation. 

Though many emotional abusers don’t physically harm their victims, they might use verbal threats to instill fear. Sometimes, perpetrators are calm and covert when using abusive language. Other times, they may scream and shout to create chaotic environments.

Another subtle and often hard-to-identify example of emotional abuse is exploited banter. While banter is essentially a playful exchange of teasing or mocking remarks, banter can become a form of bullying when used to humiliate, belittle and degrade the target intentionally, despite the target’s negative reaction. Often, emotionally abusive people hide behind the concept of banter to convince their victims that they are simply thin-skinned and too sensitive. 

2. Gaslighting

The term “gaslighting” originates from the 1938 play titled “Gas Light.” The play entails the story of a manipulative man who convinces his wife that she has lost her mind. The husband intends to gain control of his wife to access her inheritance. He achieves this by dimming the gas lights in their home and insisting there has been no change in the lighting. Over time, he convinces his wife that she must be imagining the dimming lights. Eventually, she begins to doubt her own reality and sanity.

The term has since been used to describe a type of psychological manipulation that intends to undermine the victim’s understanding of their reality, experiences and surroundings. Gaslighting generally begins gradually as the perpetrator gains trust before subtly twisting the narrative to suit their ultimate goal. 

Gaslighting tactics can question the victim’s memory. The perpetrator may aim to convince the victim that they misremember events or conversations. However, gaslighting can also fake conversations and events by tweaking narratives subtly and eventually blatantly. 

3. Isolation

Emotionally abusive people often strive to isolate victims from family, friends and any sources of support. Abusers seek to isolate their victims to trap them. The abuser may try to convince the victim that certain friends and family are a bad influence or that they have ulterior motives. They may refuse to spend time with their victim’s loved ones with manipulative reasoning, like claiming that they are mistreated by their victim’s loved ones. 

Abusers may use jealousy or instill guilt to isolate victims from their support system. This may play out in romantic relationships as baseless accusations of cheating or lying. In family and friend relationships, the victim may be accused of betrayal in a different form. 

Over time, the victim may begin to mistrust their loved ones or avoid interactions to prevent chaotic responses from the abuser.

4. Coercive Control

Coercive control involves manipulation and intimidation to oppress and dominate. Abusers may use coercive control tactics to gain control of the victim’s finances. In this case, the abuser may start by questioning financial decisions, judging spending habits and eventually insisting on access to the victim’s finances. Financial abuse is present in 98% of abusive relationships and remains the primary reason victims remain trapped in these relationships.

The abuser may also monitor and track their victim’s activities throughout the day as a form of control. Monitoring efforts can include using GPS tracking and home surveillance systems or constantly calling or texting to confirm their victim’s whereabouts. Discouraging or mocking hobbies and interests and instilling guilt or shame for not devoting attention to them instead are other examples of coercive control. 

The effects of coercive control tactics can cause victims to feel constantly watched and judged. They may feel that they have no privacy, as the abuser monitors and controls aspects of their daily lives.

5. Avoidant Abuse

Emotional withholding, the silent treatment and stonewalling are all ways that emotionally abusive people punish their victims. In these tactics, abusers refuse to communicate, dismiss or minimize concerns or refuse to respond entirely. These methods of avoidant abuse leave the victim feeling rejected, confused and frustrated. The effects of avoidant abuse may also further isolate the victim.

In some cases, avoidance can be a resort when people don’t know how to respond to a situation or cannot express their emotions. However, when the silent treatment is used as a means of punishment and control, avoidance becomes a form of abuse. 

Understanding the Cycle of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse in a relationship does not always play out the same. However, the cycle of emotional abuse is often present. This devastating cycle has four stages:

1. Tension

A buildup of emotionally abusive behaviors defines the tension stage. During this stage, mistreatment may be subtle and gradual. Whether the abuser is using gaslighting, abusive language or means of coercive control, the victim may feel that the abuser is increasingly upset and that various aspects of the relationship are starting to worsen. 

2. Incident

In physically abusive relationships, the stage of incidents involves physical violence. In emotionally abusive relationships, incidents can involve emotional withholding and other forms of avoidant abuse. When coercive control is an element, victims may find themselves cut off from their finances. While isolated from support systems, victims of emotional abuse may feel trapped and unable to find resolve. 

3. Reconciliation

Following incidents, abusive individuals tend to seek reconciliation. In some cases, the abuser may apologize for their behavior. However, it’s key to understand that abusers hardly apologize and feel remorse but rather excuse their behaviors under the guise of an apology. Abusers may blame their actions on stress, unwavering care and concern for the victim or even blame the victim for the mistreatment. 

4. Calm

Following reconciliation, there is usually a stage of calm. During this stage, the abuser tends to retreat from previously used forms of mistreatment to convince the victim that they are not abusive at all. This stage can be similar to the “honeymoon” stage in relationships, where abusers sometimes use love-bombing and other forms of coercion. Often, the tactics used in this stage aim to convince the victim that they are to blame for the incidents and mistreatment, which is a form of gaslighting. 

Following this stage, the cycle of emotional abuse repeats. The cycle may eventually form a predictable pattern.

The Signs of Emotional Abuse

While it can be challenging to identify emotionally abusive tactics and behaviors, you may be able to spot these signs of abuse by evaluating yourself:

• Social withdrawal and isolation: You may start to avoid social situations and withdraw from friends and family in fear of abusive reactions. Social withdrawal can also occur as an attempt to prevent rousing concern from others. Feeling trapped and unable to reach your support system is a key sign of trauma from emotional abuse. 
• Low self-esteem and self-blame: The effects of abusive language can degrade self-worth over time. You may also feel ashamed of who you are, whether through self-blame or the impact of abusive language and coercive control tactics. 
• Fear of the abuser: Threatening language and the impacts of coercive control can instill fear and anxiety. 
• Conforming to the abuser’s expectation: You may change your appearance, hobbies or interests to appease the abuser’s preferences and avoid abusive reactions. 
• Dependence or codependence: Coercive control tactics aim to create dependence or codependence that can trap you in the relationship. 
• Physiological impacts: Emotional abuse can lead to mental health conditions like depression and anxiety. You may notice changes in your sleeping and eating patterns due to depression, anxiety and stress.

These signs of abuse can impact victims to various degrees. The long-term effects of trauma from emotional abuse can lead to loss of sense of self and severe self-doubt. Psychological symptoms like depression and anxiety can become chronic, and the impacts of chronic psychological stress can lead to physical pain, insomnia, lethargy, impaired thinking and changes in appetite. 

How to Heal From Emotional Abuse

While emotional abuse can occur alongside other forms of abuse, emotional abuse often occurs as an independent form of maltreatment. Despite many emotionally abusive relationships being absent from violence, studies have shown that women involved with abusive partners found psychological abuse as damaging as forms of physical abuse. Additionally, children with emotionally abusive parents are associated with more severe PTSD symptoms than other types.

The good news is that there is a path to healing from emotional abuse. 

1. Recognize and Acknowledge the Abuse

One of the first obstacles many people in an emotionally abusive relationship contend with is acknowledging the reality of their situation. Denial can have many different roots. For some, it’s a type of resistance to accepting something painful or difficult, while others may cling to the hope that the abuser will change.

Abusers often say things that minimize the experience or use gaslighting tactics that make you question yourself, such as:

• “Why can’t you take a joke?”
• “You’re imagining things.”
• “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re overreacting.”
• “I don’t remember that happening.”
• “You should feel lucky that…”
• “Don’t you love me?”

This can also manifest as certain behaviors, like abusers threatening to hurt themselves or withdrawing affection when you voice your concerns. The first step in healing is recognizing these patterns and validating your experience. Don’t be afraid to question what “normal” looks like for you — it may help to create a physical or mental list of the abusive tactics you’ve experienced so you can name and legitimize them for yourself. 

2. Establish Safety and Support

The next step is creating your exit strategy with the help of a support network. Build a circle of people who can help you recognize the patterns of abuse and offer guidance or hands-on help as you leave your abuser. This might look like connecting with others at a support group or reconnecting with friends or family you’ve drifted apart from. Once you’ve established your network, communicate your needs clearly. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

If you feel you’re in immediate danger or your physical well-being is at risk, call 911 and remove yourself from the situation as soon as you can safely do so.

3. Reclaim Your Reality and Set Boundaries to Protect It

When coping with the effects of emotional abuse and gaslighting behaviors, your best means of defense is to uphold your grasp on reality. Make a habit of writing things down as you remember them. Following interactions with your abuser, grab a pen and jot down the encounter in as much detail as you can, from what was said to how you were feeling.

When gaslighting tactics emerge, you can refer to your journal to confirm your reality and remind yourself that your memory is perfectly intact. 

It’s also imperative that you set firm boundaries with your abuser to limit interactions. This includes protecting yourself from being harassed online. Refuse any attempt to engage, and turn to your support network when you need it.

4. Feel Your Emotions

Give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions come up, whether that’s anger, fear, grief or doubt. Don’t judge your feelings as “right” or “wrong” — just allow them to exist. Find safe forms of release. Examples include:

• Joining a challenging fitness class, like kickboxing or martial arts
• Participating in expressive arts therapy
• Journaling your stream of consciousness
• Verbalizing your emotions to a friend, therapist or even an empty chair
• Writing a letter about your experience, then shredding or burning it as a symbol of your decision to move on

If feelings of guilt or shame emerge, know that abuse is never the survivor’s fault. A trauma therapist can help you work through these thoughts as you process and heal. 

5. Rebuild Your Identity and Sense of Self-Worth

It’s not uncommon for people in abusive relationships to lose their sense of self as a result of their abuser’s manipulation. Embrace this opportunity to discover who you are by:

• Revisiting activities or passions you previously enjoyed
• Learning a new skill or hobby
• Joining a club or group of people who share your interests
• Traveling somewhere you’ve never been
• Reconnecting with old friends 
• Refreshing your hair and wardrobe
• Creating new rituals in your day-to-day life

If you begin thinking or speaking of yourself negatively, take time to pause, identify those messages and reframe them as something positive. Remember that every small step in your healing journey is an accomplishment worth celebrating.

6. Develop New Coping Skills

Strengthen your emotional self-regulation skills by noticing what triggers certain feelings or flashbacks and learning techniques to manage them. Practice grounding strategies, such as:

• Focusing on your senses: The 5-4-3-2-1 sensory method involves noticing five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Splashing cold water on your face or taking a cold shower can also provide a sense of grounding and draw your focus away from thought spirals.
• Engaging in creative visualization: Creative visualization is the process of setting a goal and using it to create a detailed mental image of the future. Make this visualization as positive as you can, and revisit the image when you need to regulate or center yourself.
• Releasing trauma stored in the body: Certain exercises and stretches may help you tap in to the parts of your body where trauma has left behind tension and pent-up stress.
• Learning to be assertive: If your emotionally abusive relationship has left you feeling voiceless, challenge yourself to be more assertive. Use “I” statements, look for opportunities to share your opinion and practice saying no to invitations or requests that don’t fuel you.

7. Seek Help From a Professional 

Part of recognizing and breaking the pattern of abuse and learning to forgive yourself is understanding how your past has influenced your beliefs, values, habits and expectations. Often, the path to recovering from emotional abuse requires external support. Beyond building self-awareness and taking back your worth, you may benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

CBT is a type of therapy that can help change behavioral and thought patterns. A CBT therapist can help you identify the root of an abusive cycle and develop healthy coping strategies to exit these relationships safely. The Sanctuary at Sedona offers two forms of CBT therapy — pure cognitive therapy, which focuses on reprogramming thought patterns, and rational emotive therapy (RET), which focuses on altering negative emotions.

Other modalities you may find useful include depth psychology, or the exploration of your subconscious, and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, an eight-step therapy that works to reverse the effect of trauma.

Therapies That Support Ongoing Recovery

Recovering from emotional abuse involves more than trauma work. You also need to fill your toolkit with practices and habits that support your mental and emotional well-being and provide a consistent outlet to explore your emotions. Many residents at The Sanctuary at Sedona find strength and peace through:

• Yoga therapy: Yoga builds awareness and strengthens the connection between the body, mind and breath. 
• Ecotherapy: Nature therapy can take many forms and be deeply healing when facilitated by a therapist.
• Mindfulness meditation: Mindfulness meditation trains your mind to be aware of and immersed in the present moment, even amidst difficult emotions or environments.

Take the First Step Toward Healing Today

The Sanctuary at Sedona offers survivors a chance to recover from emotional abuse. We provide several holistic therapies ranging from CBT and energy medicine therapy to depth psychology methods that aim to induce healing at a core level. Our comprehensive residential treatment programs are designed to treat trauma and abuse by resolving root causes through science-based techniques.

Healing from emotional abuse can take time, but with the right support, you can reclaim your life and mend psychological wounds. Speak with a counselor today to start your healing journey.